Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Uh oh…
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?