@JasonLastname: Accidentally pronounced wifi as "wifey" and the hotel concierge said the password's helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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@TheCatWhisprer: ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
@MsSugar_Kisses: "You should leave your wife..." The secret note I leave on my husband's windshield every morning...
@Thrill_Tweeter: H: "What do you want for Valentine's Day?" "A puppy." "Pick something else." "A different puppy."
@WheelTod: Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.