@JasonLastname: Accidentally pronounced wifi as "wifey" and the hotel concierge said the password's helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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@WilliamRodgers: [Bruce Willis on his deathbed] Bruce: Viagra! Dr: Bruce this isn't the time- Bruce: Give me...a Viagra! Dr: Ok *Bruce Dies...Hard*
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: I dreamed about you last night PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
@jwoodham: INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength? M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: [Removes mask to reveal that he was actually the interviewer the whole time]