Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!