[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.