@KKAlThani: Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"
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@OutOnTheMoors: How does an eyelash, so soft and fine, turn into a cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?
@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
@jackiembouvier: Friend: Don't you recycle? Me: I do what I can. F: What about the seals? M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!