Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Saturday
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.