I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I think this should do it.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered