@batkaren: Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won't stop grinding its teeth.
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@KeetPotato: cop: "can you point at which zebra it was" zebra: "ha good luck we all look the same" me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] "that one"
@JoParkerBear: Donald Trump is probably the closest we'll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
@iwearaonesie: my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"