@batkaren: Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won't stop grinding its teeth.
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@ch000ch: [does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
@AllieGoertz: I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, "I work at Cheesecake Factory"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who'd stare at her boyfriend while he's sleeping.
@Playing_Dad: *shuts down road going both ways* Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened. *pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*