@batkaren: Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won't stop grinding its teeth.
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@iGreenMonk: Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
@RBColl: FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters. "Here's change of 50 and that's 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap."