Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.