[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
You Might Also Like
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.