Accidentally sent a guy a đ instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
When Iâm bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say âso….do you maybe have something youâd like to tell me? Iâll give you a little time to think about itâ….and then walk away.
Who said parenting canât be fun?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&MâsâŠeverything!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Itâs so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain itâs memories
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, theyâre called âhuddlesâ and âtackles.â
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: Iâm ready for my comeback
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”