Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
You Might Also Like
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
This is true.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back