I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
You can’t outrun your problems…
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.