Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
But wait…
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?