*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]