*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
They’re stuck in your pants?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
No. He’s not coming out to play
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”