A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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having children is a pyramid scheme.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Optional boss fight.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?