@TheCatWhisprer: Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are "too mainstream."
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@Rollinintheseat: A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
@prufrockluvsong: Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp. Me:How do you pronounce that? *sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
@liv_thatsme: You know you're old when you see the neighbor's dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.
@BadJordon: Autocorrect just changed 'so thirsty' to 'sloth irate' and I'm slowly getting angry about it.