Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger