@TheCatWhisprer: Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are "too mainstream."
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@BradBroaddus: I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80's.
@KentWGraham: A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing."
@ArielBen6: Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don't use a condom
@blopt: My parents are middle aged. "Mine are to-" [parents burst through bedroom door on horses] "CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?"