@lazerdoov: Accidentally texted my dad "have a hood day" and he shot three people
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [Bee diary] Day one: met a really cute queen bee Day two: queen bee is now my gf Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
@Reverend_Scott: Dinosaur 911: what's ur emergency Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US Dinosaur 911: is it the sun Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
@WVUPRT: Girl at engineering school: I'm like the single-most clumsy person [5 male engineering students emerge from bushes] "Did you say single?"