@lazerdoov: Accidentally texted my dad "have a hood day" and he shot three people
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@daemonic3: "Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?" STEVE: How about a Kasteve? BOB: I have a better idea
@NuryVittachi: WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
@QueefTornado: "I'm tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
@BetteMidler: Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.