Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Important reminders
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[shakes fist at other fist]
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*