Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
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It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.