Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.