Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.