Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.