Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?