“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
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Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.