@Home_Halfway: Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he's boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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@samalmightysam: Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
@KeetPotato: *swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
@AnOrangeSNES: [Kitchen] Me: I'm a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state. Wife: No you don't the moon is full now. Me: *Illinois noises*
@hiitsmolly: "I could probz bench press, like, five of you"-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met