@Home_Halfway: Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he's boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@BromanConsul: I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer "Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank"
@fart: theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him
@QwertyJones3: "My brother's coming over for dinner." Ugh, is he still talking only in country names? *brother walks in* "Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?"
@aka_fatman: "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"