Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
classic mixup
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER