*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
SCARY COSTUME
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Google assistant rules
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.