@capricecrane: Accidentally walked into the men's room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
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@radtoria: if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
@iamMunga: Too many kids crying. I'm never having kids.I'm just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.
@therealeatwood: ARTEMIS: No man shall boast he has seen Artemis bathe! *turns Actæon into a stag* [Artemis nudes go viral, 2.2M viewers turn into stags]
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip: Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask "Where should I put this horse?" When she tells you, say no