@Wakenbake77: Accidentally walked into the women's bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
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@naughty_aditi: Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
@jus4golf: My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
@treywafer: Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we'll stop Eddie Murphy.