Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Me My dog
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me