*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Bartenders are just boneless bars
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.