Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago