my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
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This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.