@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
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@GaryJanetti: I hope one day to have the chance to whisper "what's she doing here?" to the person next to me at a funeral.
@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
@Thedudish: My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
@ImaFlyontheWall: Drunk me used to set a "Mystery Alarm" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me