Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.