According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO