According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
You Might Also Like
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Noah
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
only 11 steps left
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name