@jordan_stratton: According to commercials, a woman's primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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@KissabiX: Shakira: It's not you, it's me Soon to be ex boyfriend: *looks at her hips* Shakiras hips: It totally is you, you breathe far too heavily
@3sunzzz: Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.
@truegritrumble: PERSONAL TRAINER: How's your nutrition? ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse.