According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
can’t catch a break
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.