According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I think the cat got the dog high.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I love you…
…r dog.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking