According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
You Might Also Like
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I put the p in pants.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.