According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
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when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he鈥檇 dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I’m putting together a team
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
You look busy, I鈥檓 just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I鈥檝e been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year鈥檚 and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. 鈽癸笍
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don鈥檛 need to take a photo of it.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Before & after 馃槄
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald鈥檚. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay鈥cDonald鈥檚 in Japan.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.