70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
You Might Also Like
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat