@Ristolable: According to Facebook a bunch of handsome dudes got together and decided to marry all my ex-girlfriends
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@thegayfarmerguy: Doc: You have gallstones Me: Ugh. Doc: You can control it with diet. Me: Great! Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods... Me: Take it out.
@ilovepie84: My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can't even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
@MelvinofYork: My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
@ericsshadow: [helping a pretty girl change a flat tire] me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on... Superman? her: I did