if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
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If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.