Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
oh my god
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.