According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I’m not wrong
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!