According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
You Might Also Like
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
incredible book dedication
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.