GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
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Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless