I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.