@kevnasto: According to my autocorrect, i'm wearing edible pantries
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@jwoodham: Welcome to Applebee's! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
@kwirkyKerri: Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I'm convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.
@slimmy_shady: In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him"Hi, how are you"? "Sorry I don't speak Chinese" Great. I've raised a douche!
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili* Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*