@kevnasto: According to my autocorrect, i'm wearing edible pantries
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@KeetPotato: me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda
@ItsAndyRyan: Convince neighbours you're shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann's mayonnaise.
@TheRolo: Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* "That's what she said"
@paulrobalino: Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right