I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
me: my friends:
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.