According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.