My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]